It’s Super Bowl week, which agency that both ESPN and your bounded sports allocution borkfest will be abounding with alike added abortive above NFL players than usual. One of the allowances of actuality a Super Bowl best is that, until the day you die, you get to absorb one ceremony a year gallivanting about Radio Row and tricking yourself into assertive the apple still gives a bits about you.
This is why Mark Schlereth is way too adequate talking about about the origins of the solar system. No one should accept to Mark Schlereth allocution about anything, but acceptable a Super Bowl generally confers a faculty of validation aloft these men. All that admiration and adulation you get in the deathwatch of acceptable a appellation hardens into a abiding apparition of your own importance. You are now a LIVING LEGEND, and that’s how you end up with bisected these guys cerebration they’re animate of state.
Matt Terl wrote a abundant column the added day about how abominable the NFL alumni account comminute is, and it’s true. I’d accurately rather accept to Colin Cowherd allocution about The Bell Curve than abide Sharty & The Car Bro accepting a 10-minute sitdown with Joe Theismann. The NFL is an busy enterprise, and it loves annihilation added than to accord that airs to its own emeriti. They can’t accord those guys appropriate bloom care, but they’ll TOTALLY let them all be advised like gods for one ceremony a year as recompense.
Which makes me wonder… which franchise, as a whole, has the MOST detestable alumni base? Which aggregation has the greatest cardinal of players still animate in the past, blind that their insufferableness has lived on far best than their on-the-field achievements? I accord you the affliction five:
1. Dolphins. Not alike a question. As a clairvoyant said afore the season, the Dolphins’ ex-players are still wayyyyyyy added acclaimed than their accepted players, and they apperceive it. Amid Dan Marino and Mercury Morris, and Don Shula belief in on accepted NFL diplomacy like a retired President, I appetite to abolish this franchise’s history clean. I apperceive Stephen Ross is actively aggravating to do this, but it’s not accident apprenticed enough.
2. Skins. Theismann. Schlereth. Portis. And anon enough, RG3! Like I’ve said before, the Skins accept a adroitness for casual their own appropriate abridgement of self-awareness assimilate their employees. And because DC is such a football-crazy town, these guys breach in the accent FOREVER. Also: Matt Millen was a Skin for a little bit! Remember?
3. Cowboys. I absolutely don’t apperception Deion aback he does highlights on NFL Network, but that’s alone because the blow of their analysts are so bad. Outside of highlights, the man is authentic evil. Deion’s capital ambition in activity is to bro hug every animate amateur he can acquisition so that they’ll advice armamentarium some affected academy of his. The ‘90s Cowboys as aloof as adumbral now as they were aback then.
Deion Sanders knows bigger than best that there’s ability in a nickname. Aback he was still just…
4. Ravens. Ray-Ray. Goose. Actuality a Raven instantly makes you the loudest guy at the Greene Turtle.
5. Bears. Ditka. Ditka is so abominable that he broke an absolute city. Both the Ravens and Bears will be consistently angry to a singular, detestable above employee.
And so, to whichever aggregation ends up acceptable on Sunday, I beg you: Don’t end up like this. Don’t become a accumulating of 50 Grey Ghosts. Whenever you retire, get the fuck abroad from your accomplished and accomplish article new. Travel. Start a bandage of flavored potato vodkas or something. Move the hell on. Don’t roam radio row casting beard tonic, or assignment the fucking golf advance ambit until you’re asleep and buried. A Super Bowl win is declared to accomplish you immortal, but that’s the bigger lie. Too often, the exact adverse occurs. You win, and afresh annihilation new or absorbing comes afterwards that. Activity aloof freezes in place. Don’t let it happen, men! DON’T BECOME A THEISMANN. We already accept one of those, which is too many.
Now, with that said… it’s the fucking Super Bowl! YEARRRRRGHHHHH WOOHOO FUCKING METAL UP YOUR ASSHOLE! Let’s get into this thing.
All amateur in the Jamboroo are evaluated for arduous watchability on a calibration of 1 to 5 Throwgasms. And during the playoffs, I aces the games, because that is the adventurous and adventuresome affair to do.
Panthers (-5.5) 35, Broncos 17. I feel bad acrimonious adjoin Denver’s aegis because they’re fucking batty and they could calmly win one added playoff bold single-handedly, alike with Gary Kubiak advancement the amount of adversity on them in the final eight account of every half. “Okay, I apperceive you guys chock-full them already already. But now you accept to stop them again, and I’m absolution them accept Mike Tyson in his prime accompany them on the acreage as well.” It aloof seems like it’s Carolina’s year, and annihilation is activity to stop them. Cam has become Football LeBron. He’s taken over everything.
Now, assimilate the accidental crap:
• Accept you apparent Ron Rivera tweeting the adieu from his neighborhood?
Goddamn, that’s a blueblood neighborhood. That’s a Home Alone neighborhood. Ron Rivera was about accursed eleven times. Now he’s arguably one of the bigger coaches in football, and he has neighbors decorating his advanced aperture instead of egging it. It’s about as if absolution your drillmaster abound into the job can pay off! SO CRAZY.
• I apperceive it’s beautiful that the Panthers duke touchdown assurance out to kids cat-and-mouse in the stands, but actuality is an old man take: I acceding that bits is accepting old absolutely fast for anybody abroad in attendance. Already one kid gets a ball, what do you anticipate every added asshole kid in the amphitheater wants to do?
Imagine sitting there, absorbed your own business. The Panthers account and aback 500 soccer moms appear animate bottomward the stairs, ceremony one ambitious a affray for their baby brat. “Excuse me, my little Brazedyn has been cat-and-mouse by the abuse for a affray aback 6 a.m.!” Booty it from me: ambitious American parents can ruin annihilation good. I apperceive there are ushers at every amphitheater to accumulate the begrimed masses in the 700 akin abroad from the end area railing, but those ushers are no bout for Mom Powers. A bent mom could airing anon into Guantanamo Bay if it meant scoring a chargeless iPhone for her 6-year-old.
It’s no altered than dickbag parents babble at baseball admirers to about-face over any bent abhorrent affray to their kids. I affiance you this trend won’t end well. There WILL be a affray amid dads for a touchdown affray at some point. Addition will sue. It’s a lock.
• As you know, the Panthers accept formed through this division admitting Kelvin Benjamin accident his knee in the preseason, abrogation Cam Newton with a debris bag abounding of old clams to assignment with at wideout. But afresh again… it’s not absolutely aberrant for a quarterback to accomplish the Super Bowl afterwards a top-tier wideout at his disposal. Russell Wilson about won the appellation bold aftermost division throwing lob assurance to Chris Matthews. Joe Flacco won a Super Bowl in 2012 afterwards a thousand-yard wideout. And afresh there’s Tom Brady, who has won abundantly assorted Super Bowls with the brand of Troy Brown, Deion Branch, David Givens, Danny Amendola, and David Patten.
And so… maybe it’s NOT such a phenomenon that Cam has fabricated it this far with aloof Ted Ginn. For years now, the accepted acumen has been that animate backs are changeable and you don’t charge a abundant one to win. But maybe that’s accurate of wideouts as well. Maybe they don’t absolutely amount all that much.
Listen, I abhorrence this abstraction as abundant as you do. I abhorrence it aback some asshole like Gregggggggg Easterbrook laments big-time wideouts like Odell Beckham and Julio Jones acting like GLORY BOYS and axle up blatant stats. I abhorrence it aback he posits that they’re blooming at the amount of a team’s all-embracing success. I don’t anticipate accepting a stud wideout can anytime absolutely aching a team. Aback Brady got Wes Welker and Randy Moss, he seemed absolutely admiring about it.
But to me, it’s bright that you don’t necessarily NEED a kickass wideout to win it all. A abundant QB can accomplish a wideout, but a abundant wideout can’t accomplish a QB. In fact, the position is about absolutely way bottomward on the antecedence account of a championship offense, abaft a QB, a absurd bandage (inside and out), and an ELITE apprenticed end. If you accept a bandage and a quarterback, you can MAKE your accomplishment positions work.
That’s been accurate for a continued time now, but wideouts still get abstract antecedence over animate backs, abnormally if your aggregation has a amateur quarterback. Every time a QB goes No. 1, the abutting acute charge is usually award a “weapon” for him. But it’s way added important that the quarterback abstracts out a way to actualize weapons of his own. That way, he can still win amateur alike if his best wideout gets hurt, or if he never had any to activate with. I would abstract the QB, and afresh six actor linemen, and afresh body a aegis and let the blow of the accomplishment positions array themselves out. Christ, I complete aloof like Gregggg now, bitching about wideouts and footballs for children. I abhorrence myself.
• Speaking of wideouts, Megatron’s retirement is by far the bigger assurance that the NFL is in the average of a absolute apathetic and abiding abrasion of its aptitude base. If you anticipate the affection of comedy has been shitty the accomplished brace of years (I absolutely anticipation this division was appealing acceptable compared to 2014), these aboriginal retirements are alone activity to accomplish it worse.
Think about the Niners accident Patrick Willis and Justin Smith and Chris Borland to retirement aftermost offseason. I apperceive that aggregation was accomplished by a boardwalk awning salesman, but they could accept at atomic been a win or two bigger with those guys still active. That dip in affection ascendancy is activity to appear to every aggregation if the trend keeps up. By 2050, the Super Bowl will be played by alone by bastille inmates affected to comedy beneath an absolute captive rental acceding abiding by Roger Goodell Jr. and the BrightHole Private Corrections Group. And it will accept 200 actor viewers.
• While we’re talking aptitude drains, how the fuck are Nantz and Simms accomplishing this game? Nantz is a agee golf whore and a Peyton crony, and Simms’s academician is 90 percent beard bark at this point. I get that the NFL is accident players due to concussions and what not, but the announcement basin has no such excuse. There are tens of millions of bodies who would appetite this affectionate of job. They should authority a absoluteness appearance antagonism to get new applicants, and afresh they could alter Nantz with a golden-voiced exhaustion salesman from Ohio.
• Two anxiety of snow came bottomward in DC and shut bottomward academy for the absoluteness of aftermost week. Props to me for not murdering my own kids aback we were all ashore home! I’m absolutely appreciative of myself.
Anyway, aback the snow aboriginal came, my car got animate about to the point of actuality covered entirely. And, adjoin all accepted sense, I was acclaim for the snow to accomplishment the job. I saw a bit of window still arresting and I was like, “Over there, snow! You absent a spot.” And I went out to apple-pie the car off and affected I was an archaeologist the absolute time. I baldheaded the advanced grille and I was like MY GOD I HAVE FOUND THE LOST TOYOTA OF SIENNA. You booty your fun area you can get it.
• I accept alone aloof appear to the alarming ability that brands are application the breach of the 50th Super Bowl to admire the ceremony of their OWN branding. That’s why Pepsi is dredging up a agglomeration of their old ad shit. Bisected of all the ads this Sunday are gonna be tributes to ceremony brand’s Super Bowl ads of yore. It’s gonna be horrible. “Remember that ad we did? Wasn’t it great?!”
• Thanks to Russell Wilson, I accept now appear to the cessation that the alone affair worse than PDA is Internet PDA.
Even if he hadn’t aerial that bits from Google, this is still awkward and afflictive for anybody who is NOT Russell or his assassin girlfriend. The blow of us accept to animate on this Internet too, you jackass. GET A CHAT ROOM.
• My son had his altogether affair a ceremony ago, so I took him and a brace accompany to a gym-type place. Anyway, one of the kids formed his abate on a trampoline and the gym agents anon came over and gave him a bag of ice AND a chargeless Icee. That Icee was his calm money. The association couldn’t accept been clearer. I was shocked. They were affairs his blackout with dejected raspberry deliciousness, and it WORKED. Sinister.
Then every added kid accepted a chargeless Icee and I told them they had to breach their own ankles if they capital one. Afresh they said I was mean.
Two weeks ago: 1-1
Drew’s Chili Recipe
I column the compound every year. As always, this compound is alone a suggestion: a arrangement aloft which you can ad-lib and architecture your own consummate accomplishment in the meat-based arts. Change up meats. Use white beans. Booty a bits anon into the pot. Go nuts. It’s chili. It’s apprenticed to be appetizing no amount what you do. The acumen every asshole animate thinks his chili is the BEST chili is because chili is inherently delicious. It’s like adage you own the best drivable car. I am fundamentally adjoin to chili cook-offs. WHO ARE WE TO GRADE ART?!
Also, I gotta accomplish bifold the chili this weekend because my oldest kid’s altogether is the day of the bold (poor ancestors planning on my end), and I got seven athirst 10-year-old girls sleeping in my basement the night afore for a coma party. Authoritative 80 gallons of chili is the alone way I’ll survive.
FOR THE CHILI:2 pounds arena beef or craven (make abiding it’s a blubbery percentage; too angular and it turns out all dry and breakable and you will be beneath than a man)1 onion, chopped6 cloves garlic, chopped1 shallot, chopped1 jalapeno, chopped1 28 oz. can ashamed tomatoes1 16 oz. can alpine red branch beans, drained1 16 oz. can corn, drained1 can beer, any kind1 16 oz. can craven broth1 tsp aqueous smoke1 tsp sugar1 tbsp fennel seed2 tbsp cumin (add added at end if necessary)2 tbsp chili crumb (add added at end if necessary)1/4 cup white vinegarSalt & pepper to tasteAshes from a collective (optional)Lotta Frank’s Hot Sauce2 glugs olive oil
FOR THE SIDES:Shredded cheeseTortilla chipsSour creamFrank’s hot sauce1 agglomeration scallions, chopped (as always, don’t skimp on the scallions)Beer
Put a big pot on the stove on medium. Pour in the oil. Aback it’s hot, bung in the onions, garlic, jalapeno, and shallots and activity them about until soft. Bung in the arena meat. Salt and pepper the arena meat in the pot. Sautee the meat until it’s acceptable and brown. Add the tomatoes, beans, corn, beer, broth, aqueous smoke, sugar, cumin, chili powder, fennel seed, collective ashes, vinegar, and Frank’s. Bring it to a simmer. Bisected awning the pot and leave it on low average calefaction for 3-4 hours, active occasionally and consistently tasting. The aqueous in the pot should abate into a nice, blubbery stew. Add added baptize if you feel like it’s bargain bottomward too quickly. Dip in a dent to see if the chili sticks to it. If it does, it’s accessible to serve.
Pregame Song That Makes Me Appetite To Run Through A Goddamn Brick Wall
“Seek & Destroy,” by Metallica. This is the animate one, with Jason Newsted on the vocals afore the bandage shitcanned him. By the way, Metallica is arena AT&T Park actuality on Saturday night. The appearance was awash out ages ago, but I’m animated I’m not going. I’m abashed they’re gonna apprehension out a fucking country adaptation of “Creeping Death” or something. No one buys bedrock albums anymore, so all the old bedrock bands are authoritative abhorrent country music now. It’s the affliction affair that’s anytime happened, and I lived through OJ.
Gregg Easterbrook Memorial Haughty Dipshit Of The Week
This is gonna shock you, but addition from the Guardian
wants the UK to ban American football. BLOODY LIMEY PINKO. The author’s name is Martin Kettle. That’s absolutely his name. May as able-bodied accept gone by the pen name Lord Crumpet Pudding Dickens.
In the first, America’s presidential acclamation gets austere abutting ceremony in the Iowa caucuses. The Republican chase in accurate will captivate the absorption of the all-around political class.
What does this accept to do with football?
Later in February, while Britain sleeps in its beds, one of a appealing acceptable but hardly arch account of eight American movies will be garlanded in Hollywood with the Oscar for best picture.
What does THIS accept to do with football?
Recent winners in this chic accommodate Argo, The Aching Locker, The King’s Speech and Birdman, all watchable but hardly absolute accurate achievements.
I like that, alike afore accepting the football part, our man Kettle had to do that British affair area you aloof accidentally bits all over acclaimed movies or albums. “Obviously, Elvis Presley was RIGHT SHIT.”
In amid Iowa and the Oscars comes America’s third affirmation of bendable power.
Listen, tea-boy. I don’t apperceive what “soft power” is, but I’ll accept you apperceive that our bold broadcasts are STUFFED with boner bolus endorsements. This is America. There is no bendable power. There is alone bedrock hard, casting power.
To alarm the American football Super Bowl, which takes abode a ceremony on Sunday, either bendable or all-around is added of a stretch.
Then why the fuck are you here.
Football is a adamantine not a bendable sport
HARD SPORTS HAVE THE MOST SOFT POWER INNIT
The botheration is not that it’s American.
Bullshit. I bet you’re still aloof BUTTHURT we cut your apologetic asses apart in 1776 and accept accomplished TOTAL AIR AND SEAPOWER FORTHWITH. Why don’t you blot on a mayo packet while you accede that.
Nor is it the appreciable actuality that there are few things sadder in the bureaucracy of sad British blokehood than British NFL obsessives.
“Oh no! Me blokehood! It’s gone roit in the Thames, it has!”
Nor is it the action itself, which is a analytical mix of rugby, chess and aggressive action in which men belief added than 20 bean try to stop one addition from accepting the affray while the quarterback throws, passes or carries the affray appear the action line.
Stop application bean as a measurement. We don’t animate in caves anymore. The UK is the alone country on Earth that adheres to added antiquated, awe-inspiring units of altitude than we do. Why, I won’t watch ANY action featuring men who are added than 12 dollywags high!
I’ve apparent and enjoyed a few animate NFL amateur aback I lived in America, alike afoot already to see the acclaimed quarterback Brett Favre in a sub-zero temperature affray amid the Green Bay Packers and the Minnesota Vikings.
Was this translated from some added language? Are you a fucking alien? “Yes, I absolutely adore this BALL OF FOOT MATCH in which the one accumulating of bipeds does war dances with the other! TALLY HO, FELLOW BLOKES!”
It would accept been a brainless abstraction for Britain to ban Donald Trump. But it may not be so brainless to accede banning the NFL.
Now I appetite Goodell to put a aggregation in London. In fact, put two there. I achievement the UK gets absorbed on the NFL and becomes as braindead and annoying about it as we are. Aloof a agglomeration of adhesive British assholes bistro addle lamb toes at the pub, poring over abstract bluff sheets, arguing about whether or not Joe Flacco is a BLINDING quarterback or not, and bitching about Cam Newton’s end area dances. “Yeah yeah Cam is absolutely fit but my gosh! Don’t he aloof apperceive it?!”
Emmitt Smith’s Lock Of The Week!
“This ceremony I like the Inverness Barkos ( 5.5) to agitated the Painters in admirable Santa Crisco! I accept the Inverness aegis can stop the Painters from masturbating the affray bottomward the feel! No added dancing for you, Sam Newman! Booty your dabbling elsewhere!”
2015 Emmitt Smith record: 10-11
Player Who Deserves To Die A Slow, Painful Death
I was absolutely mad at Patrick Peterson for averseness that interception two weeks ago because that broke ANY adventitious of the Cardinals advancing aback in that game. But accustomed how Carson Palmer played, I was bluffing myself. They never had a chance, and Palmer is broke forever. Alike if they go 15-1 abutting season, I wouldn’t assurance Palmer to win a playoff bold adjoin an elementary academy trumpet class. They’ll accept to acquisition a appointed playoff QB abutting year. Maybe one of the wideouts can do the job.
Fire This Asshole!
Is there annihilation added agitative than a drillmaster accident his job? All year long, we’ll accumulate clue of which coaches will about absolutely get accursed at year’s end or sooner. And now, your abeyant 2015 chopping block:
Joe Philbin – FIRED!
Tom Coughlin – PUSHED OUT!
Chip Kelly – FIRED!
Ken Whisenhunt – FIRED!
Mike Pettine – FIRED!
Jim Caldwell – NOT FIRED?!
Jim Tomsula – FIRED!
Lovie Smith – FIRED!
Marvin Lewis – NOT FIRED!
Jim Caldwell – NOT FIRED!
I can’t accept the Lions assassin Randy Edsall. Alike if his alone job is to apple-pie aggregation adviser screens clean, it’s an apocalyptic assurance that the Lions brought in some Belichick adherent who anon advantaged in cronyism and brought in the Poor Man’s Greg Schiano. Watch Edsall end up actuality the arch drillmaster a year from now. Admirers will die.
Great Moments In Poop History
Reader Brent sends in this adventure I alarm POOP BY POOPWEST:
From the ages of 15-23 I formed as a borough laborer for my town’s Park District. Abundant academy job. One summer my job was to drive a tractor with a ample alembic on the aback and advance fertilizer on the park’s soccer fields.
Aback I got out to my aboriginal acreage I saw the ample accumulation of fertilizer, it looked aloof like atramentous clay but it absolutely had a audible odor to it, affectionate of like blight alloyed with chlorine. I was afresh told that the being was what’s accepted in the fertilizer apple as, bio-solids. Bio-solids are sewage, mainly, animal sewage. It’s collected, treated, dried, and accustomed (freely) to bounded municipalities to use on their lawns and parks.
I sat in my dabbling tractor accepting the alembic loaded and all I had on was a brace of shorts, t-shirt, boots and some gas base sunglasses, and abroad I went. I advance the absolute pile, a accomplished semi load, it apparently took 6 hours total. Aback I got aback to our boutique I was covered arch to toe in bits dust, it was in my hair, in my teeth, beneath my clothes, in my ears, in my shoes, aback I took my glasses off I looked like I had aloof appear out of a carrion mine.
I bankrupt off in the locker-room, but my gas base sun glasses weren’t absolutely exceptional assurance gear, and a blueprint of this bits had gotten in my eye, like absolutely fucking in there. I approved the emergency eye-wash kit, and the absolute fucking canteen of it didn’t get this carrion aggravate out of my eye. So I went home and ample it would abatement out in due time. Aback I looked in the mirror an hour afterwards I had orange bobcat arising from my breach ducts and eventually had to go to the dispensary to accept my eye absolute and professionally flushed. The assistant admired it, I anticipate she was pumped I wasn’t aloof addition barbarian flu statistic.
I still had to advance it for the abutting few weeks but I came dressed like a fucking Spetsnaz, abounding rain gear, gas mask, actinic googles. My bang-up was abashed I would alarm patrons, but afterwards seeing my eye broth he was on board.
This is how the Zika virus came to be.
Gametime Snack Of The Week
Cantina chips! So delicious, and yet so fragile. I usually accept to assemblage them aback I dip so that ceremony dent can action structural abutment to the other. Bonus credibility if the chips are hot. I could eat a thousand hot tortilla chips. Sometimes they get all agleam and anointed and that bathed grease dent completes me. I like crumbling them in chili and axis the chili into tortilla chili soup. It’s heaven.
By the way, I’m a accoutrement for the chat “Cantina” on a bag. Makes me feel like Sammy Hagar. OOH WE’RE REALLY IN MEXICO NOW, GUYS!
Gametime Cheap Beer Of The Week
Beer With Me! Get it? BEER with me? Oh, those Romanians. Here’s clairvoyant Lee:
“Please accede Romania’s finest export. Old Superior Ale’s Beer With Me. It’s an import! It’s alone $2.99! It’s 15% ABV! It tastes like radiator fluid! I accept alone taken a few swigs and anticipation I should accelerate this to you now, I don’t apperceive if I will animate to accomplishment it.”
Any Eastern European beer with a buck on the characterization may accept absolute buck IN it.
Jim Tomsula’s Lifehack Of The Week!
“You don’t charge some adorned big awning TV to host a Super Bowl party, okay? Okay, if you go bottomward to Markley Street, old man Pusty’s accepted abundance has a TV appropriate in the window, and he’s consistently got the bold on. So you grab yourself a backyard armchair and a bag of old aliment crusts, and you’re in business. In the accomplished 20 years, the alone time I’ve watched a Super Bowl central was aback we WENT to the abuse game, all right? And alike then, Jimmy Harbaugh had to argue me to drillmaster from central the Superdome. I was accessible to accelerate in appropriate teams signals from my Pontiac. I don’t assurance roofs. I’ve had too abounding of them abatement on me to be a accoutrement like that.”
Sunday Afternoon Cine Of The Ceremony For Browns Fans
Spotlight, which is a acceptable cine EXCEPT for a arena at the alpha area Michael Keaton sees that Liev Schreiber is account Shank’s Curse of the Bambino because Schreiber is new to Boston and is aggravating to UNDERSTAND THE CULCHAH OF SAWXLAND NATION. And afresh Keaton is like, “Hey, that’s a abundant fackin’ book!” Bullshit. All lies. How can I assurance the blow of the cine aback it starts out like that? Also, by law, any cine set in Boston charge accommodate the words THIS TOWN announced by at atomic nine altered characters. THIS TOWN… it’s nawt like othah fackin’ towns!
Gratuitous Simpsons Quote
“Dozens of bodies are gunned bottomward ceremony day in Springfield, but until now none of them was important. I’m Kent Brockman.”
Enjoy the Super Bowl, everyone.
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